I met him when I was still in my teens. He was this scrawny little guy who just sat in one corner with his head buried in some magazine whilst his best friend , best friend's girlfriend and her friends were busy yapping away to glory. And so once we were introduced and all the pleasantries exchanged, i went back to fighting with his best friend. Little did I know then that i had just met THE guy who would hold my heart forever. Little did I know that buried in that magazine was my every joy and every sorrow. And so meeting up with this bunch of people became a routine. Hanging out with him was something i dreaded after the first day. But somewhere along the way it became the highlight of my day. He was witty, sarcastic to the core, smart , good looking and also TAKEN! well, so was I. So we drifted along as really good friends. Our friends broke up. But we still stayed friends. We broke up with our respective partners. But we still stayed friends. And then one fine day when i decided to date someone else, he popped up to tell me that it was a rebound and i shouldn't go ahead with it. To be completely honest. he was right. But I just couldn't understand why HE was so irritated about it. So I went ahead with it anyways only to realise later that he'd been right all along. Let me tell you this, talking to him is the most fun thing I've ever done. I shoudl've known then that it was love. But the smart ass that i am , i just never saw it. And slowly i started crushing on him. Or rather, i admitted to myself that i've had a crush on him for a long time now. And one fine day, he asked me out. FINALLY! I tried to tell him that it would be a mess if we broke up. I really didn't want to lose such a close friend of mine. But the stupid optimistic that i am , i decided to go ahead with it anyways. But, alas! I turned out to be just a rebound for him. It hurt....like crazy....and it continues to hurt....what i dint realize was that i had been in love with him all along. He went on to fall head over heels in love with this amazing person. But,somehow I am still in love with him. It's been 5 years since i met him...4 since i fel in love with him...2 since he broke my heart.....But I doubt any guy will ever get to that special place he got to. He and I are really good friends now. But i continue to love him. Let's just hope he never finds out.
Saturday 19 November 2011
Monday 7 November 2011
forever ....
Nothing seems real anymore
My boat seems to have lost it's oar!
To find temporary solace in something and then come crashing down when it gets whisked away from under your feet is really quite an experience. For how long do I ignore this thing that I know to be true. Waiting for reality to settle in is just too much of a task. Do I miss you? Has my life lost it's direction? Am I confused as to what to do? "YES" to all of the above questions. And a big NO to whether this is a rant about a lost boyfriend.
I stood there and watched you sleep peacefully. Freed forever from this cruel world which discriminates on the basis of caste, social standing, colour, success and what not! I just stood there and watched you walk away from me into the darkness from where you shall never return. I should've stopped you but somehow my legs froze, my throat constricted and my head felt dazed. Separation is a mighty difficult thing. I often wonder where you are and whether you can see me. Are you sitting right next to me or are you far far away? Why does it seem so unreal? Why does it seem like just a bad dream. Why ,then, aren't you around to tell me you love me? Why doesn't my phone flash your name anymore? I didn't even get to talk to you proper one last time. Just to let you know that I love you more than anything under the sun. Just so I can tell you that you're THE most important person on the planet for me. Just so I could apologise to you for being such a cranky bitch. But I know that I loved you tonnes. I know I should've been around a little more. I should've been more understanding. I don't know what to do anymore. I just miss you so much. You were my baby. The thought of not being able to see you again, hear your voice again seems so unreal. How do I come to terms with it? How do I live on knowing that my baby's gone for good? The thought just drives me mad!
There were people bustling all around me. People coming and going. And you can't help but wonder how many of them really care. And then you wonder whether any of that really matters anymore. The wait was excruciating. The sight unbearable. So what does one do when their life gets turned upside down? Try and deal with it? Yes, I've heard that one tonnes of times. But Just how am I to deal with it? Keeping myself busy just doesn't work because it takes all my strength just to make sure I sound alright. So what is it that makes you get so attached to someone that you take them for granted and then sit and regret every moment you din't spend with them? How can I undo all the times I hurt your tiny little heart which was full of love for everyone around. Why didn't anybody see it? Why couldn't anyone sense that you were this lovely person who couldn't hurt a soul even if you wanted to? And if God did exist how is it justifiable that he put you through all that misery when all these people who are cruel and wicked lead a peaceful life . How is anything meaningful anymore.
And i sit here,day after day, waiting to sense you! Until we meet again....
Love you baby...with all my heart!
My boat seems to have lost it's oar!
To find temporary solace in something and then come crashing down when it gets whisked away from under your feet is really quite an experience. For how long do I ignore this thing that I know to be true. Waiting for reality to settle in is just too much of a task. Do I miss you? Has my life lost it's direction? Am I confused as to what to do? "YES" to all of the above questions. And a big NO to whether this is a rant about a lost boyfriend.
I stood there and watched you sleep peacefully. Freed forever from this cruel world which discriminates on the basis of caste, social standing, colour, success and what not! I just stood there and watched you walk away from me into the darkness from where you shall never return. I should've stopped you but somehow my legs froze, my throat constricted and my head felt dazed. Separation is a mighty difficult thing. I often wonder where you are and whether you can see me. Are you sitting right next to me or are you far far away? Why does it seem so unreal? Why does it seem like just a bad dream. Why ,then, aren't you around to tell me you love me? Why doesn't my phone flash your name anymore? I didn't even get to talk to you proper one last time. Just to let you know that I love you more than anything under the sun. Just so I can tell you that you're THE most important person on the planet for me. Just so I could apologise to you for being such a cranky bitch. But I know that I loved you tonnes. I know I should've been around a little more. I should've been more understanding. I don't know what to do anymore. I just miss you so much. You were my baby. The thought of not being able to see you again, hear your voice again seems so unreal. How do I come to terms with it? How do I live on knowing that my baby's gone for good? The thought just drives me mad!
There were people bustling all around me. People coming and going. And you can't help but wonder how many of them really care. And then you wonder whether any of that really matters anymore. The wait was excruciating. The sight unbearable. So what does one do when their life gets turned upside down? Try and deal with it? Yes, I've heard that one tonnes of times. But Just how am I to deal with it? Keeping myself busy just doesn't work because it takes all my strength just to make sure I sound alright. So what is it that makes you get so attached to someone that you take them for granted and then sit and regret every moment you din't spend with them? How can I undo all the times I hurt your tiny little heart which was full of love for everyone around. Why didn't anybody see it? Why couldn't anyone sense that you were this lovely person who couldn't hurt a soul even if you wanted to? And if God did exist how is it justifiable that he put you through all that misery when all these people who are cruel and wicked lead a peaceful life . How is anything meaningful anymore.
And i sit here,day after day, waiting to sense you! Until we meet again....
Love you baby...with all my heart!
Sunday 18 September 2011
UGH!
Sometimes I wonder what it is that makes me want to take care of you. We fight and stay away from each other and ignore each other as much as possible, only to run to each other's side when the going gets tough for either. Why? Is it because we've been together for so long that caring for one another comes to us naturally? Or is this some kind of twisted love where you just cannot stand to see the other person get hurt?! Even when we are busy playing our stubborn selves, I go to all of your favourite hangouts hoping to run into you just so I could remind you that I exist..just so I could urge you to seek me out and sort out our differences..just because I am getting desperate to be in your arms again. Ugh! this thing called love! I wish I could just be immune to this twisted toxic thing that just rips your heart open and makes it inept for feeling anything for anyone else again. My friends say it's a pointless relationship. And if I ask myself, my head shares the same opinion. But my heart refuses to listen. Why does it keep making an exception for just this one person , I wonder! Maybe every one of us has that one special person in our life for whom we are willing to put ourselves through misery over and over again. All I know is that I can count on you to be there for me when life hands out to me all those lemons it's got saved up just for me! :D
Saturday 10 September 2011
Something's cooking :D
So here I am. Back again a second day to write about something. Not that I am going to update my blog every day because that just won't happen (Yeah! I know myself a little too well :)) .
I typed out an entire post about social life and it's complexities and then erased it.Well, who'd want to read something that depressing? I wouldn't! It's like spending one's time and money to go watch a movie that's really depressing just so you can take a break from the stressful life you lead . Waste of time, I say!
And so i thought I'll write about the one thing that brings joy to me no matter how messed up my life is - Cooking!
Cooking comes to most of us naturally. Some of us do it because we have to and others because they love to. I belong to the group that seems to be ever growing now, thanks to masterchef , Top chef and the other so called cookery competitions. But my love for cooking started way before i had a proper cable connection at home.I've always wanted to join a Culinary school so I can be a trained professional chef and work in one of those professional kitchens with all their food processors, blast freezers and liquid nitrogen. Cooking is just a LOT of FUN for me! I started cooking when i was 6 years old. What was my first dish?Ah well, Dosa. I still remember standing in the kitchen with my mom supervising me and giving me tips as to how to make a perfect crisp dosa. As is the case with most of us, my mom's my favourite cook. But it isn't a completely biased opinion. My mom really is a good cook . Her dosas are out of this world and so is her biriyani! Ah well, the list could go on. You just have to trust me because when it comes to food, I have the palate of a food critic. My mom used to bake cakes for us when we were kids and I remember sitting beside her and watching her mix all those yummy ingredients and folding the batter in to make this yummy buttery moist cake(Slurp). Even though she used to make a lot of other goodies for us, her cakes were always my favourite. I'm still learning how to cook but I enjoy every minute I spend experimenting with the various spices available in that small kitchen of mine.
But will I ever be as good a cook as my Mom? Probably not!
I wonder if I'll ever gather enough courage to actually convince my folks about letting me choose this unconventional career path. Will have to wait and watch i guess! Fingers crossed. :)
I typed out an entire post about social life and it's complexities and then erased it.Well, who'd want to read something that depressing? I wouldn't! It's like spending one's time and money to go watch a movie that's really depressing just so you can take a break from the stressful life you lead . Waste of time, I say!
And so i thought I'll write about the one thing that brings joy to me no matter how messed up my life is - Cooking!
Cooking comes to most of us naturally. Some of us do it because we have to and others because they love to. I belong to the group that seems to be ever growing now, thanks to masterchef , Top chef and the other so called cookery competitions. But my love for cooking started way before i had a proper cable connection at home.I've always wanted to join a Culinary school so I can be a trained professional chef and work in one of those professional kitchens with all their food processors, blast freezers and liquid nitrogen. Cooking is just a LOT of FUN for me! I started cooking when i was 6 years old. What was my first dish?Ah well, Dosa. I still remember standing in the kitchen with my mom supervising me and giving me tips as to how to make a perfect crisp dosa. As is the case with most of us, my mom's my favourite cook. But it isn't a completely biased opinion. My mom really is a good cook . Her dosas are out of this world and so is her biriyani! Ah well, the list could go on. You just have to trust me because when it comes to food, I have the palate of a food critic. My mom used to bake cakes for us when we were kids and I remember sitting beside her and watching her mix all those yummy ingredients and folding the batter in to make this yummy buttery moist cake(Slurp). Even though she used to make a lot of other goodies for us, her cakes were always my favourite. I'm still learning how to cook but I enjoy every minute I spend experimenting with the various spices available in that small kitchen of mine.
But will I ever be as good a cook as my Mom? Probably not!
I wonder if I'll ever gather enough courage to actually convince my folks about letting me choose this unconventional career path. Will have to wait and watch i guess! Fingers crossed. :)
Friday 9 September 2011
The Pilot! :)
So here i am ! finally! I've been reading blogs for years now. People who have the ability to give words to their emotions have always amazed me (probably because i could never do it). It never occurred to me to pen down my thoughts and that's mostly due to the fact that i am not a great writer. So why now? Ah well, one should start somewhere, don't you think? :)
I am all of how-does-it-matter years old and live in a small city down south. I've never had a dearth of friends owing to my ability to yap like my life depends on it. I have a very loving family and sometimes i wonder how they can still love me with all their heart despite all the trouble I've put myself and my family through. Maybe that's something i'll be able to figure out only when i become a parent? Maybe!
What do I want to do with my life? To this i have a well rehearsed answer which isn't quite the truth. So while toiling between the complexities of one's social life,career and all those lovely eateries in town, I decided I want to start blogging.
And that's about how i wound up here. Hope this will be as much fun for you as it is for me. :D
I am all of how-does-it-matter years old and live in a small city down south. I've never had a dearth of friends owing to my ability to yap like my life depends on it. I have a very loving family and sometimes i wonder how they can still love me with all their heart despite all the trouble I've put myself and my family through. Maybe that's something i'll be able to figure out only when i become a parent? Maybe!
What do I want to do with my life? To this i have a well rehearsed answer which isn't quite the truth. So while toiling between the complexities of one's social life,career and all those lovely eateries in town, I decided I want to start blogging.
And that's about how i wound up here. Hope this will be as much fun for you as it is for me. :D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)